I'm starting to get a bit nervous about tomorrow. Besides being my gig at the Phoenix Landing I have an appointment at the Transplant Clinic. This is the first appointment I've had their since I got called as a backup (and turned it down). I feel like I've made really great strides since then in dealing with this all. I think at the time I was called back then I really wasn't quite ready. I don't know that you can ever fully be ready for it to happen, but that situation really did force me to face my fears about the whole issue.

It's a very daunting thing for me. Just two years ago I was diagnosed with this 'condition' that has really ruled my life for at least that long. Now I'm facing a fix to the problem. The thing is, when you get a transplant you aren't getting a cure for whatever you have. Instead you are replacing one medical condition (one where in many cases your chances for long term survival aren't that great) with another medical condition (one that is also serious, but much more managable). It's also going to mean some fairly substatial chagnes in my life. No more drinking (though I understand that after a while I can have a beer now and then). I have to be much more aware of my health. At the same time. I'll be able to walk places and not feel like I'm going to pass out after walking half a block.

So, after that night in May, I had myself inactivated on the list for a little bit. My understanding of this is that while inactive, if my name were to come up, they'd just go to the next person on the list who matches. As of the end of this month I am hoping to activate myself again. I'm just really nervous because I feel bad about saying 'no' when they asked me to come in back in May. One of the things they ask you again and again when you are there is "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" And I'd said over and over again, "Yes". I just don't know that I'd really thought about all the issues to do with it. My biggest lesson learned was that I can't do this all by myself.